Whether voluntarily or unconsciously, some Christians use a spiritual speech to justify their celibacy. Behind the beautiful rhetoric sometimes hides a fear that should be overcome, such as the fear of intimacy.
She was a beautiful young woman, on fire for the Lord. She was an excellent cook, loved by children, and she had a good job. In short, as our grandmothers would say, a “good woman to marry”! Yet she was single. Several men had shown interest in her, but they were quickly cooled down by her “holiness”.
For her, dating a man in purity was to never be alone with them, and no holding hands. The first kiss was going to happen at the wedding, and she told that to everyone who would listen. There is nothing wrong with establishing limitations like this. Many Christians do it in good faith, and if it is the limit which makes them comfortable, then it is their limit to adopt. However in the case of this young woman these limits, although they seemed very spiritual and lawful, were put in place to avoid intimacy because she feared it. She was abused by her father as a teenager and was horrified at the idea of being touched by a man. Therefore, those nice words about purity were just a way to rejected any guys that showed interest in her.
Other women my husband and I met also used “holiness” to repel potential partners because they didn’t trust themselves. They feared the fall (again!) into immorality so much, that they used principles of purity to lock themselves in a tower. Finally, there were also those who struggled with homosexuality, and although they were totally delivered from that, felt completely helpless in front of the opposite sex and about intimacy. The prohibition of physical contact before marriage seemed like the best thing ever to them, and so they push away the idea of marriage to avoid facing their fear.
The fear of intimacy is one of the biggest chains that bind singles. It is good to give ourselves limits and stay pure like God wants us to. Yet in our personal time with God, we must be able to talk to Him with open hearts about all of our fears. Overcoming the fear of intimacy is not jumping headfirst into a new relationship! We need to address this fear individually with Christ (and with the help of a professional if necessary). It will probably start by getting completely healed from the wounds that opened the door to this fear. Then we need to develop a trusting relationship with God and abandon ourselves into His hands. Then you can impose some limits on yourself, but these will not be motivated by fear.
It is very important to be rid of the fear of intimacy before the wedding because marriage does not deliver us from it. Even if intimacy is “legally” allowed, it will be very difficult to overcome and probably a source of conflict with the married couple. So while you’re single, probe your heart, and be transparent with God. He wants His children to be cautious and pure, but free.