In the Christian community, it’s not very common for a woman to make the first move. What does the Bible have to say about that? How do the 4 most popular arguments hold up?
God has not given us a clear plan on what we need to do to find a life partner. Some passages speak of the importance of abstinence before marriage and in other verses, we understand that God wants both partners to share the same faith. Nowhere is it written that only the man should initiate a relationship. So where did this idea coming from?
1. The man should make the first move because he is the head of the family.
Many Christians use the passage in Ephesians 5 to say who should make the first move. In this well-known passage, we read that the wife should submit to her husband, “ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” (Eph. 5.23 NIV) Many people interpret this message as evidence that a man is superior to a woman, that he should make all the decisions, and therefore, only he can take the first steps. This is not a right interpretation of this verse!
Yes, in a married couple, each has their part to play. The woman should submit, but that doesn’t mean she can not speak her mind! It’s not written that the man should rule over his wife. In Genesis 1.28 (NIV) it is written: “God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” God was talking here to both partners. It doesn’t say that men should rule over women. God said that together they shall rule over their environment. Women may be more delicate than men (1 Peter 3.7 ISV), but they are not inferior to them.
Being delicate doesn’t mean that every woman is a little princess locked in a tower in need of rescuing by a knight in shining armor. There are several examples in the Bible of women who showed their strong character. Just take the example of Deborah, who led Israel to a great victory. Yes, some women are fragile little flowers, but others are rock solid and they can stand strong. If a woman has the courage to take the first steps towards a man, nothing in the Bible says she shouldn’t.
2. Only scandalous women take the lead.
Many verses in Proverbs warn men against seductive women, who talk loudly in order to attract men into their trap (like Proverbs 7). But the writer of Proverbs is warning his children against the adulterers and prostitutes, not against all women!
A single woman should not take the first step toward… a married man, of course! A woman should not try to attract a single guy by uncovering her chest, by wearing tight clothes or by giving him a sexy invitation. This is all obvious! But if a woman keeps her modesty and dares to approach a single guy and invites him for coffee, there is nothing wrong with that!
Ruth took the first steps toward Boaz, as advised by her mother-in-law! (See Chapter 3 of the Book of Ruth) She was not considered a harlot; on the contrary, her reputation was excellent.
3. A woman who makes the first steps shows a lack of trust in God.
This argument is based on several verses like Psalm 130.5 (NIV), “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Wait for the Lord… It is true that we shouldn’t take everything into our hands. Think about the story of Sarah, who gave her servant to Abraham to bear him a child. Sarah tried to hurry up the fulfillment of God’s promise using her own logic, with sad consequences. It’s important to put our trust in God and not only act according to our own logic. When we pray for our future marriage, we need to give God the sovereignty to guide us toward a person according to His heart.
When we trust in God regarding our social status, it places us in a position to listen to God’s opinion about the people we encounter. If we only search with our own strength, we risk forgetting to check if they have God’s values. When we pray about this area of our life, we check with Him when our heart starts floating around our head.
In short, waiting for God does not mean remaining in our basements, praying and hoping that a special someone will ring our doorbell. Your beloved is not going to appear before you in a cloud, accompanied by violins. In the same way, God does not want us to just pray for lost souls, but also wants us to witness to them. The same is true for your future marriage : prayer is necessary, relying on God is essential, but God wants you to do a few steps too.
4. The girls that approach guys are desperate and that scares them off.
Society (even more so with Christians) put a heavy burden on men. They are responsible for their family, they are supposed to conquer, to provide, to multiply, etc. All those expectations may seem daunting. It’s no wonder why some singles guys remain alone in their parent’s basement! Building and maintaining a family is a joint project between a man and woman. If this project requires the effort of both partners, why shouldn’t they share the stress of the first steps?
Obviously, there are different ways to make the first move. At the first encounter, if a woman is already talking about marriage, it will scare a man. The same thing would happen if the roles were reversed! But inviting a single guy to a group activity, or going out for a coffee, or just leaving him her phone number, is not really scary. “If a man is afraid of a woman who make the first steps, it’s because he is not ready to have a real relationship,” said my husband.
In short, women take the risk! If a man is insulted that you took the first steps, it means he is not the one for you! In love, it’s best to stay true to yourself. If you are a woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to go get it (or maybe just has a tiny bit of courage to do so) then go for it! Nothing in the Bible prevents you from doing so.