As Christians, Christ should be first in our heart, so we should be looking primarily for a partner that is on fire for God. But does that mean physical appearance doesn’t matter?

Too often married Christians try to play matchmaker between singles in their church. “He doesn’t look very nice, but that doesn’t matter. God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance. Just do the same!” they say. They have good intentions and they may quote a Bible verse like: “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16.7 NIV)

Or to minimize the importance of beauty, others like to quote Isaiah 53.2 (NIV) which speaks of Jesus: “He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.” Should we get married with our eyes closed? Not necessarily!

In our society, the cult of “the body” is real idolatry. The models in magazines are carefully scanned and each small imperfection is meticulously removed during image processing. Trying to look like these models, or even to compare yourself to these images is not God’s plan for our lives. David said it well: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139.14 NIV)

The futile search for a perfect appearance is a form of idolatry, therefore, a sin. It does not mean that Christians should look like a castaway after several months of being shipwrecked on a desert island! Choose appropriate clothing (of this century!), take a shower and brush your teeth. That’s a minimum that everyone can do! To look great, or to be good looking, simply requires a little effort on our part.

When we take the time to dress up and comb our hair, we demonstrate that we are capable of taking care of ourselves. When an interested person sees that we are able to do so, they understand that we will also be able to take care of our better half.

We can learn a lot about someone’s personality just by looking at the way he or she takes care of their appearance. A woman who is nicely done up and dressed on one Sunday, but comes with greasy hair and clothes the next Sunday, shows that she is inconsistent or occasionally lazy. If she follows her emotions when taking care of herself, she will more than likely do the same thing in other areas of her life.

I met a young man that had horrible teeth. He was kind and passionate for Christ, but his teeth! Yuk! No woman would want to kiss him! He said that someday a woman would love him just the way he is! He refused to change “for a girl”. But if a man refuses to improve his flaws (and in his case, it was even a question of dental health), it indicates that he will more than likely be an uncompromising partner, never willing to compromise. No wonder he’s still single.

For other singles, it’s the opposite. Every hair of his mustache is trimmed. He maintains his ideal weight to the gram and his clothes are always ironed and perfectly sorted. Even when he’s cleaning his apartment on a Saturday afternoon! Again, this appearance shows a woman that this man will be inflexible regarding the looks of his partner. What does your general look say about you? Is it the image you want to portrait?

God does not want our appearance to become an obsession. We should never marry or even date a person just because they are beautiful. Flowers wither with time, the beauty of the young will disappear eventually. But that does not mean we should not take care of our looks. After all, we represent the King of kings!

We all have preferences in terms of appearance, and there is nothing wrong with that. But put these preferences in the hands of God. If your Heavenly Father has a good match for you, be open. After talking to them for a while, your standards of beauty may seem much less important. But do not force yourself into a relationship with someone that disgusts you either!

Also, don’t be offended if your style doesn’t please the person who you have a crush on. If you have any flaws to change, go ahead, but do it for your own good, not to convince someone to love you. That would be a form of manipulation, and again, this is not proper behavior for a child of God. Take good care of yourself and your style, and if your style doesn’t appeal to someone then that is their choice.

Final note: do not ask something of someone that you are not prepared to do yourself. A chubby man shouldn’t force his wife to be a certain weight. If you want a woman to accept your love handles, you must accept hers. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6.31 NIV) The same goes for appearances.