“No, we’re not thinking of marriage, we are just getting to know each other.” A phrase we hear often and looks good, but can be very dangerous.
There is a large difference between a couple formed by the standards of the world and one formed by Godly rules. In the world, two people meet, find some familiarity, become intimate, and then decide to get married or simply to live together. The couple stays together as long as both partners feel their own needs are met. When we look at how God sees couples, the process is very different. When a man and a woman develop a mutual interest, have the same spiritual values and have the same vision of the family, they get married (Genesis 2:24, 1 Cor 7: 9). They then begin to live together, are intimate and seek to serve each other, to make the other happy for the rest of their lives.
Since the end goal is different, the dating period is also different. In the world, partners “practice” the life of a couple to see if theirs could hold water. This is not what God asks. First, the righteous must live by faith (Rom.1.17), and this in all areas of their life. A child of God must have faith in God and believe that if they follow the precepts of God while dating (Joshua 1.8), they do not need to “practice”, their marriage will be a success. We do not enter the Christian life as a mature disciple: we begin as a spiritual baby and grow with perseverance and by studying (Hebrews 5.12). When we finish our academical degree, we may have a professional title, but we need several years of practice to become an expert in our field. It’s the same for marriage. We shouldn’t wait to have a perfect relationship to commit to each other. We must commit ourselves under the eyes of God, follow Him in our union, and we will practice the life of a couple after we get married.
It is wise to discover the spiritual values and family vision of the other person before getting married. But when we are Christians, we know that the ultimate goal of our “investigation” is marriage. We cannot be intimate with or date someone just for fun, just so that we can have someone at our side, without having the idea of marriage. Unless you are eunuchs, the platonic friendship between a man and a woman cannot be found in the Bible ( read this other article on this topic).
Obviously, it’s not a good idea to talk about the wedding on the first date! During the first dates, you should have many other topics to discuss other than your life together. This is the time to see if you would be ready to serve and take care of this person for all your life, despite the small flaws and the little weaknesses. But if you have a biblical thought, you will see that marriage will come quickly in your conversations, and that’s fine.
The important point here: if you think you are not ready to get married in general, do not date anyone! If you are not ready to form a family, you are not ready to be in love with a child of God. Women, if the man you are dating tells you “I’m not ready to get married”, ask questions. Is he saying that because he wants to continue to flirt with other girls? Does he say that because he wants to maintain his social life and does not want to have to go home at night? Do not continue this relationship. This man is not led by the Spirit of God, but by his flesh. If this man says he is not ready because he wants to finish his degree or because he wants to finish paying his debts before getting married, then that is different. It’s up to you to see if you’re ready to wait for him. Do not try to change him or solve his problems to speed up the wedding. During this wait, his feelings could change. (We talk to women, but the same goes for men if the woman says she’s not ready to get married.) In general, if the other person does not want to think about marriage, do not pursue a love relationship with them. You can include them in your group of friends, but keep your heart for someone who has the same goal as you.
What if it’s the opposite? If you think you are not ready for marriage and someone is showing interest in you? Have a good time with God and check your heart. If you are fleeing marriage because you are hurt or insecure, go get emotionally healed. Do not let laziness or fear prevent you from following God’s plan for your life. Now if you do not have the desire to marry, to start a family, do not let your suitor languish in vain. Be respectful and honest.
PS: If you are not ready to get married, should you avoid singles activities? It all depends on the activity in question. If the activity is to entertain or teach singles (like Passion374 offers), go for it! There is nothing wrong with being single. But if the activity aims to create relationships, restrain yourself. The same goes for Christian dating sites: if you are not ready to get married, do not sign up.