The young couples that date under the eye of a chaperone are rare. By the way, it’s not even a Bible practice. Yet in many Christian circles, we still hear about it. So, do we leave that in the past, or it’s still wise to use it?
As we just said in the introduction, there are no verses in the Bible that speak of chaperones, even in the very romantic book Song of Songs. In fact, this word comes from the 18th century. It was customary at the time for an older woman to follow an unmarried young woman on her errands to watch and protect her. The idea has remained and has been very popular in the Christian community to help young couples stay pure until marriage.
And this idea is not bad per se, it even shows some wisdom. Intimate relationships should be saved for marriage (read this other article on this topic). During your dating time, you get to know the other person to see if you are ready to serve them for the rest of your life. During this period, you develop your friendship with them and with their group of friends. It is therefore important to spend time with those around them, to see who are their friends, their interests, their hobbies and their involvement in their church. Everyone around you becomes chaperones: they help you stay focused on your “investigation” rather than letting your thoughts and your hands wander!
But you will, of course, need moments when you will be just the two of you together, to allow each other to have deeper conversations and to ask yourself important questions. In this case, the use of a chaperone is not advisable. You can go to the cinema or restaurant without having anyone watching over you! On the other hand, it might be wise not to be alone in your apartment, for example. If you want to cook a nice dish to your partner, it might be wiser to invite other people. If you have roommates, it’s even better! You can have a good dinner with the one that makes your heart beat, but you stay “cool” knowing that your roommate is in the room next door! It is up to you two to impose limits on yourself to stay in God’s plan. (What are the limits? Read this other article on this topic.)
Does the rule also apply to the first date after finding a match on a dating site? Since we never know if the person we met online really is who they say they are, should we have a chaperone on our first date? The answer is no. Never show up on the first date with your friends, let alone your family! A first date is already quite stressful in itself, if you go with your support group, you will place your guest in a very uncomfortable position. Plus, you do not want to reveal everything about your life on the first date. No need to introduce everyone that is important to you.
To protect yourself, opt for other solutions. For example, tell a close friend about the exact location of your date, and at what time. Then, promise to call them after your activity to confirm that you have just finished. You can also show them the profile of the person you are going to meet. All this information will be very useful for the police if the worse would happen. Of course, during your date, be sure to respect the plan you told your friend.
The person you choose to keep informed about your dates can also be your mentor. Indeed, it is wise to choose a mentor during your time of dating. Your choice should be someone who is successful in their marriage (so that they can advise you well) and who is strong in their faith (to keep you on track). It will be a little your “remote chaperone”. If you choose to keep them informed about your relationship, they can help you put the brakes where you need to do so and convince you to forgive when necessary. You can even decide to report to them regularly. Then, when you are in a moment a little too “hot” with your partner, you will remember that you will have to report this to your mentor and your enthusiasm will certainly cool down.
Be wise in your dating. Take all the necessary means to stay in God’s plan, because that is where the blessing is.