Being a victim of gossip can hurt. Not to mention rejection, infidelity or betrayal! These wounds are very painful. The way to heal is by forgiveness, but some people just can’t forgive. How come?

For our soul to find healing, that our self-esteem may be rebuilt on a good foundation, we must first forgive those who have offended us. It means that we give God our wounds: we leave Him the responsibility of correcting the one who wronged us, or to avenge us if necessary. But when we forgive, we unburden ourselves to God. We leave this offense behind, and we choose not to bring it back to our memory.

Depending on the depth of our injury, it is possible that we have to put our heart in the hands of God more than once. We may have to do the personal exercise of forgiving and abandoning our anger in the hands of God many times to free us from the offense. And every time, God will be there to raise us up. In some cases, we may even need therapeutic and pastoral help. It is wise to use all the tools at our disposal to find healthy self-esteem.

But some people can not even put the offense in the hands of God. They remain angry, hurt, so they live in bitterness or sadness. Why can’t they forgive? Two main reasons: First, they may be trying to forgive without the help of the Holy Spirit. We need His support in all things, even for forgiving someone. Since God has forgiven us of our sins, the Holy Spirit in us can forgive the sins committed against us. We can’t give what we have not received, to be able to forgive others we must first have received the forgiveness of God. “What this person did to me was terrible, but what I did to Jesus on the cross was much worse … forgive me, Lord!” When we receive his forgiveness for our sins, we can then release that same forgiveness to others. With a good relationship with God, the Holy Spirit guides us in this process and frees us completely.

But there is also another reason why we might have trouble forgiving. This is perhaps the main reason why we can not forgive. Misleading words can hurt our soul, but they can also injure our pride! When we can’t forgive, when we desire revenge, we must ask ourselves: was it me who was hurt, or was it my pride?

The classic case: you spent a lot of time building a perfect little picture of yourself, and a lie said about you, stains this image or attracts taunts from others. Words can hurt our heart, our esteem, but let’s face it, it is often our pride that is hurt. Why wouldn’t we just shake the dust off this situation and allow time to demonstrate what was not true? When we seek to preserve our image at all costs, it may be because our image has become an idol.

When a person continues to repeat, for years “Oh, what he did to me was so horrible!” It’s more than likely that pride is involved. They try to raise their worth by lowering the worth of others, which is far from what Jesus taught when He said to turn the other cheek (Luke 6:29)! Trying to attract attention and affection with pity is purely pride because we still put our little “me” first. What we have to remember is that we are not the center of the universe! Everything does not turn around us. God has given us our life so that HE may be lifted up to be in the center.

We may be hurt by words or actions, but after a short time, we should be able to put that behind us and keep moving forward. We looked ridiculous in this situation, but oh well! We can cry a little, but then we need to lift our face up and put God back in the center of our existence. To forgive the person who has offended us will heal our heart, but that will not heal our pride! Because our pride must die! Pride is what cast out Lucifer from heaven, and it is certainly something that also makes us leave the presence of God (1 Peter 5:5).

Those who talk again and again about the offenses done against them are like a gutter, where the water drips a drop at a time, a real torment for the ear (Prov 27:15). Bitterness keeps us in the past and makes us unattractive to those who are looking to the future. “You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5 NASB). Let’s come down from the throne of our heart, this throne belongs to God. Let us advance in his plan, healed in our soul and our esteem by forgiveness. Then freed from the label of a victim by renouncing pride.