When we talk about a relationship, of course, we think about love, affection, tenderness and all the little touches that are added. Yet, love is not enough to build a strong couple: you also need trust.
The first message or wink … the first long conversation … the first date … In the first moments of a relationship, we swim on a pink cloud. Everything seems perfect and we can imagine ourselves spending our whole life with this wonderful person. Then comes the first disagreement, the first disappointment, and suddenly, everything is questioned. And that’s good! Because love is not enough to build a lasting relationship, you also need to develop trust in the other person. But trust develops only through knowledge and experience.
At our conference in September 2019 (*will be available soon on our YouTube channel), Tobi gave a good example to explain the difference between trust and love. Imagine walking in the street and meeting a homeless person. Filled with God’s love for him, you could act only out of love and give him a big hug and talk to him about the love of God. But if he’s not sober or has a severe mental illness, you’re putting your life at risk! Love is not enough to have an effective impact. You must know the person and know the situation before exposing yourself. When you have enough information, you can demonstrate love, but with trust. We can love someone without trusting them. In our example, you could choose to pay for a meal for a homeless person instead of giving them money and telling them to go buy food. When you do not have enough knowledge or experience with the person, you can still show love, but not trust.
The same goes for our relationships. We should never trust someone without knowing that person or spending time with the person. Blind trust is naivety (Psalm 118:8-9). So do not be offended if the other person does not trust you at the start of a relationship. If limits are imposed, it is because the other person wants to develop their trust in you. To help with this, you must give them a lot of information about yourself and allow time to prove your honesty. Some people just trust faster than others, you have to learn to respect the rhythm of the other. It is not because the other person does not trust you completely that they don’t love you (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
You can not pray that the other person will suddenly trust you. Trust is not a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). If they don’t trust you, it has nothing to do with their relationship with God. It is up to you, by your consistency, to earn their trust. Even with God, to obtain anything in prayer, you have to demonstrate consistency (James 1:7-8). No wonder then that it is the same in our relations with other people. The Holy Spirit can, of course, help us develop our trust by showing us hidden things (1 Corinthians 4:5), but it is a personal work to do. Jesus sent us into this world to be sweet as doves, but wise as serpents (Matthew 10:16), to be suspicious and to not trust blindly.
Just as trust must be built, it can also be lost. When a person betrays us, we must forgive them quickly, but trust can take time to rebuild. The person at fault will have to start again giving proof, and new limits will have to be established to rebuild what has been destroyed. If the person you want to date has been hurt by past relationships, they may have more difficulty trusting you. Be patient! Do not tell him: “Forgive your ex and turn the page!” Forgiveness can be immediate, but healing and trust takes time. Inspire them to trust you with small experiences where you prove that you keep your word (Matthew 5:37).
Finally, we must also keep in mind that falling in love is also a risk to take. To trust is to be able to anticipate the reaction of the other in a situation because we know them well enough. But in a couple, there will always be unforeseen circumstances. You will have to open yourself to the other person, even if you still have a little suspicion. For it is only when you open your heart that the love of the other can come in. So, develop your trust before giving your love (Song of Songs 8:4), but do not wait to have 100% trust to do it. Relationships are a risk, but a well-calculated risk.
And the same goes for our relationship with God … but we’ll see that in the next message.