To love, you must have a free heart. But too often, the hearts of some singles are not. They believe they are free because they are not officially in a relationship, but in reality, they are already engaged in an … imaginary love.

Even though our feelings for someone are not mutual, we may be so attached to that other person that we fail to consider anyone else. God could present us with the perfect partner, and we wouldn’t even see him because our thoughts are already drawn in another direction. We then live an imaginary love story. And these far from reality stories can cause us deep wounds and great disappointment. It is therefore important to search our hearts to make sure that they are free to love.

1. In love with our “ex”
   Some singles cannot see potential partners in front of them because they are still attached to their “ex”. Even though they might be mad at them, or felt betrayed, this old relationship may be too vivid to take a fresh look at life. Sometimes there is a little glimmer of hope; sometimes the one who broke the relationship regrets their decision … there are many reasons to justify this attachment.

   However, if we remain attached to the past (especially when it cannot be fixed), we cannot move forward in a future relationship. To turn the page, it is always necessary to go through the forgiveness stage. Whether it is to forgive our ex, for any offenses they have committed, or to forgive ourselves if we are ashamed of our actions. Forgiveness is the key to freedom. Without it, we will always be comparing our new relationship to this old flame, instead of appreciating it for what it is.

2. In love with a person in secret
   Some singles can’t see potential partners in front of them because they are already in love with someone… who don’t know it! They have a “crush” on a person but didn’t dare tell them. They imagine themselves in a relationship with this person, they imagine all kinds of signs to justify the palpitations of their hearts, but their relationship remains there: in the imaginary world. And this is the big problem! This love affair is in their minds, but it’s not in the real world, because it’s not reciprocal.

   However, if we remain attached to this imaginary relationship, we risk being seriously hurt once we face reality or we risk wasting our time and good dating opportunities. It is important to put a guard in our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) when we meet an interesting person, not to awaken love until the circumstances are favorable (Song of Solomon 8:48). We need to take a few steps into the real world fast enough to avoid painful awakenings.

3. In love with an image
   Some singles can’t see potential partners in front of them because they are in love with an image, or a model. For years, these single people have imagined what their marriage would be, their couple. These women see themselves married to an engineer or a lawyer, and these men see themselves married to a slim-bodied woman. So when a grocery store clerk shows up, or a voluptuous woman approaches them, these singles don’t consider them. They don’t even try to know them. Yet they deprive themselves of a loving and caring man or a cheerful and sensitive mother-to-be. Being in love with a picture can make us miss a beautiful marriage.

   And in recent decades, Christian motivators have also bewitched many singles to worship an image of a spiritually idyllic marriage. By hammering that “God wants the best for you,” many singles hear that they must reject anyone who is not a pastor or an international evangelist. If the shy sound technician at their church takes a few steps toward a single lady, she doesn’t even take the time to get to know him because she doesn’t want to miss out on “the best” God has for her. Being in love with an image, even if it is a hyper-spiritual one, can also make us miss a beautiful marriage. We could lose the possibility of having a family which may be modest, but who could be an important testimony in its community.

4. In love with ourselves
   Finally, some singles can’t see potential partners in front of them because they are in love with themselves! By telling whoever wants to hear it “they are going to take me as I am”, these singles are just declaring that they have no intention of changing, of getting better, to be a caring partner. They forget Christ’s command to serve our neighbor, to have a spirit of sacrifice as Jesus manifested toward us (John 15:12-13). Others don’t want to compromise with their careers or hobbies. When we are not ready to sacrifice ourselves for others, we cannot see the right potential partners around us. They miss partners who might require sacrifices from us, an investment on our part, but whose love would fill our hearts.

If we fail to notice good potential mates around us, sometimes it’s because our hearts are already engaged. We need to free ourselves from these imaginary loves to enter into the blessing that God has for us.

(This article is the summary of the conference given on July 24, 2021. Click here to view it.)