We sometimes hear singles talk about their past relationships saying, “She was wonderful, but there was no chemistry between us”. What is this “chemistry” and do we really have to rely on it when we are Christian?

Singles, we sometimes crave the embrace and companionship of a partner so much that we get very excited when we have a few exchanges with the same person. After the first contact, a few telephone conversations, an outing, then another, the relationship seems to take off. Then come the deeper discussions, the first disagreements, the first hugs, and some discomfort. For some singles, these clouds were a sign that there was no “chemistry” between the two and that there was a good reason to break the relationship. What if those clouds had nothing to do with “chemistry”? What does the Bible say about chemistry; is it really necessary?

First, let’s start with the basics of a romantic relationship that could lead to marriage. The purpose of marriage is well defined in Genesis 2:18. “Then the Lord God said: It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (ESV). The word “help” here is the translation of the word “ezer”, and other versions translate this word as “companion”. It is also the term used to refer to a broken marriage in Proverbs 2:17. “Who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God” (ESV). Marriage is the union of two people who agree to be each other’s friend and companion for the rest of their lives.

So, what is most important to consider when we start dating someone is the friendship between the two of us. Are we good friends? A good friend is someone who shares many of our interests, our passions; who has the same values and the same faith. We then speak of compatibility. Of course, there are disagreements between friends! But we always manage to find a solution when we are good friends. We will be frank and truthful but also open to criticism. There is always a climate of trust between two good friends.

What takes us from friendship to a deeper relationship is physical and emotional attraction. And that too, is created by God! We only have to read the book Song of Songs to see that these butterflies, this overload of hormones, is an essential ingredient in a relationship. Chemistry is a dynamic force that creates a powerful connection. An intangible spark that ignites when two people meet, forcing them to delve deeper into each other’s lives. But you have to be careful with chemistry: if it is not well limited, or framed, it can do significant damage. Although it is very exciting, it is necessary to know how to tame it at the right time, that is to say after having developed the friendship, before having evaluated our compatibility. “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (Song of Songs 8:4 ESV).

Chemistry is captivating and can blind us. It is also changeable and therefore, not reliable. Compatibility is based on character traits that are unlikely to change since that is the core of someone’s personality. That is why it is important to retain the impulses of our hearts to take the time to detect the true character of a person. A little advice here: the suitor will always be gentle and respectful with his sweetheart; it is therefore not in the interactions between the two lovers that we can judge the character of a person. Rather, it is by watching how he interacts with his parents, his friends, his spiritual authorities, and even the waiters at the restaurant, that we will get a better idea of his true character. Do not isolate yourself during your dating, you need to see the interactions with those around you.

Another important note for Christians. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we must act on our sexual urges to confirm that we are truly meant for each other. Quite the contrary! Whenever the Bible positively talks about sexuality it is always in the context of marriage. If there is an attraction, it’s chemistry: no need to test it to confirm it!

Compatibility is not chemistry, and chemistry is not a sign of compatibility. If you don’t have the same interests, or worse, not the same faith, even if there’s chemistry, your relationship isn’t on the right footing. But without the chemistry, this beautiful friendship is just a beautiful friendship. Compatibility and chemistry are two essential ingredients.